Airport Security

I'm afraid this post has been sitting around for ages, almost finished but lacking a suitable ending. I'm going to give it a shot, but prepare yourself for a shameful anticlimax.

Here's something that annoys me. You're all excited about going on holiday, you've woken up at 4am and have been dragging your suitcase through the dark for hours, you've queued at the check-in and then, finally, you reach customs (you queue for a long time there too) and they're like, "OK, please will you empty out your bag for us? And while you're at it, could you undress as well?"
The one that really perplexes me, though, is shoes. Why on earth do they need you to take off your shoes? I mean, is it some incredibly clever way of identifying a terrorist - - or are they just trying to smoke them out ("I can't handle the smell any more!")?

So, whilst you and the other passengers flounder in a fog of shoe-stink with your trousers round your ankles and the air conditioning cutting through the one layer of clothing you were allowed to keep on, they ask you if you've got any sharp objects.
"No," you say.
They pull something out of your bag. "I'm sorry, miss, I can't let you have that pencil sharpener. That's a dangerous item."

Maybe I'm missing something here, but what on earth am I going to use a pencil sharpener for, other than sharpening pencils?

Maybe all of this would be worth it if it actually kept the terrorists out, but it really doesn't, because if you wanted to blow up a plane it's going to be a much better idea to stick a pipe bomb in your main baggage than, er, hijack the plane with a pencil sharpener. Or play Miley Cyrus so loudly on your iPod that the pilot will do anything if you'll only MAKE IT STOP. In October someone managed to smuggle a bomb into Yemen, and I bet they had to measure out their 100ml of toothpaste, just the same as everyone else.

So I'm going to leave you with two things (because that's what the guy at the public speaking workshop said to do):

1. Don't go to Yemen. Even if there isn't a bomb on your flight it'll probably be really boring.

2. Play along, because chances are the elaborate customs routine is just a way to keep you entertained, while they wait for your plane to arrive four hours late.

The Tale of Patrick the Radioactive Duck: Part 1

Once upon a time there was a duck named Patrick. Patrick was not a happy duck. His mummy had been eaten with hoisin sauce and his daddy had left before he was born. His lake had lots and lots of yucky nuclear waste in it.


Patrick was not a happy duck. He was a very sad duck.

"I must go and seek my fortune," said Patrick, "Somewhere they do not eat hoisin sauce."

On Tuesday, Patrick packed his things, which was nothing, and set out into the big wide world. He climbed out of the yucky squelchy lake, over the horrid smelly bins, and under the electric fence. Patrick's wings were stuck to his sides with nuclear waste so poor Patrick couldn't fly.

Just as he was waddling past the 'WARNING! TOXIC WASTE" signs, Patrick came across an unfriendly face.

"Hello," said the creature, who was big and really hairy, "My name is Eustace. I am a fox. May I be your friend?"

Before the hoisin sauce, Patrick's mummy had always taught him to be a polite little duckling, so he replied, "Why hello, Eustace, what a delight to make your acquaintance. I would be honoured to be friends with you, as I have never had a fox as a friend before. Come to think of it," he added, "I have never had a friend of any sort before."
"How strange," saud Eustace, who had very large yellow teeth, "You seem such an agreeable chap."

TO BE CONTINUED...

Haircut

This is something those with a smaller mental capacity may struggle with. You may be aware that in previous posts, my highly realistic self portraits looked something like this:

or even this

I no longer look like that, as (gasp) I have had a haircut. Doubtless this will make me extremely difficult to recognise in any further flawlessly lifelike drawings I make, so I will give you some guidance.


I look exactly the same as before but with shorter hair.